I have struggled with an eating disorder for the better part of my life. I remember as a little girl waking up in the morning everyday, brushing my hair, and actually telling myself aloud how pretty I was. I truly believed in my own beauty and light. Around the time I hit puberty, that stopped. My body started changing quickly, and I couldn’t adjust. I wanted to look like a little girl, with no hips or figure, and stay that way. I dabbled in eating disordered behaviors in middle school, but my anorexia truly took force in high school and especially in these last two years with all the pressures of being in college. I have received treatment and in my road to recovery, which is still ongoing, I have learned a lot about myself.
In a teambuilding workshop in which I was a participant, I learned an important lesson; before we can love, help, and be a friend to others, we must love, help, and be a friend to ourselves. This is something I have also learned through my practice of yoga. We must be kind to our bodies and our mind to have a healthy spirit. I find some may look at yogis and think that we are spouting out empty words as I once did. Often times, I spend a lot of time being someone who I think others want me to be, but if I live my life authentically, I live my life as me. Authentic living means that I lead my life in a calm manner, and I do not feel the need to rush. I savor the people, the things, and the experiences around me in order to have a richer life. I am a lover of yoga, running, and cooking nutritiously, which is something that I would want to share with others. Through my workshop, I learned that self-acceptance for me is a constant battle and knowing exactly who I am is never certain, because people are ever changing. I will strive each day to be the beautiful, free-flowing, and authentic young woman I learned I could be so I can connect with myself and make meaningful connections with others in my world.
Each day, I strive to live my life “standing in the sun.” For me, this means stepping out of the shadows of my eating disorder and joining those who rejoice in all that life has to offer. It means renouncing thoughts of self doubt and shame, and at least neutralizing my words and actions to not be harmful towards my body. I want to live a life I have come to learn that I deserve- one filled with light, laughter, and love. I must accept my past for what it is, not live trying to make a perfect future, and if I do that I can live happily in my present. With the help of my family and friends, I have been able to come closer and closer towards living in this truth everyday.
In my treatment, I attended an Eating Disorders Anonymous (EDA) meeting where I had the chance to meet a young man. For the sake of anonymity, I will refer to him as Hank. Hank used a phrase, referring to himself as “captain recovery.” Although he was joking, I was determined to become my own version of captain recovery. I pushed myself as far as I could to become an inspiration to myself and others. Eventually the term caught on and I became known as captain recovery amongst my friends.
The purpose of my blog is to share something with the world. I believe that out of the ugly of my eating disorder, a more beautiful me was able to blossom during my recovery. I am a stronger and more confident version of myself. I hope that my experience can spread awareness on eating disorders. I hope that my blog can touch you in some way. In the least, I hope that you find my blog enjoyable and possibly entertaining to read.
So here’s me, open and raw.