its been a long journey together, and i guess you’ve been with me since the start. its funny to think that when people go to their OBGYN, they obsess about how big the baby is. one week the baby is the size of a lemon, the next week the baby is a grapefruit. mothers are obsessed with watching their babies and children grow, and of course they should be, its the natural course of life. yet, since the time i was about 14 or 15, i have been obsessed with shrinking you. i haven’t wanted to go with the natural course of life, getting bigger, taller, stronger. i have always wanted to shrink, get smaller. perhaps the idea of shrinking came from how small i felt inside, like i would never measure up or be good enough.
I have put you through torture, body, in order to make you smaller. i am sincerely sorry. i used to not be. I didn’t care what it took, whether it be starving, diet pills, laxatives, over exercising, crazy crash dieting, and even the occasional binge. i have put you through a lot, so i understand why you are so resistant to healing. i understand why my hair fell out, my nails didn’t grow, and why my stomach hurt every time i ate. the pain was horrible. now that i’m feeding you properly, i feel that you should be giving me nourishment back, but i understand it doesn’t work that quickly.
i think a theme in my life has been patience. i think i just need to be really patient. i haven’t quite accepted you and i as a whole being yet, i view my soul as one piece of myself and you, body, as a separate part. so i understand why this process is going to be long and hard. i don’t love you yet, and i think thats going to be a really long and hard road. but i think i might like you and i do forgive you, if you forgive me. i am so terribly sorry for what i have put you through, and i only hope that what i am doing now can repair the damage. i hope we can work together, body and soul (me being the soul) as one unit to achieve happiness and recovery. peace is all i really want, peace internally, no more turmoil from the effects of the torture i put you through, and peace of what i look at externally.
i am willing to be patient, as long as you are willing to give back what i think i am putting in. i will try hard each and everyday to accept you, i hope you can accept me back too.
the light in me sees the light in you,